The Fuckstick Awards

Ray Sobeski

2005-12-21T15:58:00.000-04:00

Ray Sobeski - $30 Million Canadian Lottery Winner
Cunning Guile

For those of you who don't know the story of Ray Sobeski it's a classic. The guy is married to some wackjob, and discovers he's won the biggest lottery jackpot in Canadian history. Instead of telling her he waits just under a year, (The ticket is only good for a year) explores his options including getting someone else to claim it, and then claims it and subsequently dissapears on her with the money. Unfortunatly for him he came back so he obviously wasn't %100 bright, but the snow job he pulled on his nutty wife earns him a Fuckstick award anyway.

Here are some of the reasons why:

- He promised he would return for a "special celebration," but instead he left a Post-it note stuck to her front door, informing her that he wouldn't be paying the tab for her rental car past Thursday. (This is enough to earn it right there, but there's more.)

- Before disappearing , Mr. Sobeski gave Ms. Ionson $150 cash and a rented car that was paid for until April 8, the date of his promised return. By April 8th, there was still no word from him, and his parents had disconnected their phone line. (Even his parents were in on it!)

- "I still love him, and I want to believe in him," Ms. Ionson said. "But it's getting harder every day. He told me he'd come back, and I want to believe that he's going to." (Can you say denial boys and girls?)

- Ms. Ionson says he spent a night with her at the Quality Inn in Woodstock but failed to mention the $30-million. When he dropped her off at her home the next morning, Ms. Ionson says, Mr. Sobeski told her that he would be going away. (Man a guy with 30 mill, sparing no expense in treating her to the "Quality Inn.")

- He said "Trust me," he told her. "I'll take care of you." (He took care of her all right!)

- Ms. Ionson, who has four children (none of them fathered by Mr. Sobeski) lives in poverty. Even so, she says her primary interest is not Mr. Sobeski's money. "I love him," she says. "I don't want his money. I want him." (BAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!)

So, for being a millionare communicating by means of a Post-It Note stuck to the door Mr. Sobeski wins a Fuckstick award for Cunning Guile.

Daniel Day Lewis

2005-12-20T22:17:00.000-04:00

Daniel Day Lewis - Gangs of New York
Violence / Profanity

Daniel Day Lewis is most worthy of the honor of being the first actor (Other than Clancy Brown for whom this site is dedicated) to win 2 Fuckstick awards for the same movie. Lewis' portrayal of the murderous Bill "The Butcher" Cutting in Martin Scorsese's masterpiece Gangs of New York is so amazing it rivals Byron Hadley himself. The winning scenes are as follows.

Violence - After Walter 'Monk' McGinn won the election that made him Sherriff of the Five Points the Butcher pays him a surprise visit to challenge him to a fight to the death. McGinn reasons with Bill stating "Let's see if we can't solve our differences the democratic way." The Butcher then agrees and McGinn turns to head back into his shop where they will talk. The Butcher then pulls out his meat cleaver and throws it into McGinn's back, and kills him with his own club. He then almost wins a Record 3rd Fuckstick award for cleverness with the line: "That my friends, is the minority vote."

Profanity - When Amsterdam emerges from his recovery and places the dead rabbit in the Five Points it is brought to The Butcher, over which he has a discussion with Police Officer Jack Mulraney. He asks Mulraney to kill Amsterdam but Mulraney tells him he can't because he's paid to uphold the law. The Butcher then replies with the award winning line: "Here's the thing, I don't give a Tuppeny Fuck about your moral conundrum you meat-headed shitsack."

Patrick Mcgoohan

2005-12-12T22:14:00.000-04:00

Patrick Mcgoohan - Braveheart
Violence

Patrick Mcgoohan's performance as the Ruthless King Edward the Longshanks of England in Mel Gibson's Braveheart was timeless, and it provided moviegoers with one of the most entertaining and hilarious scenes ever. The scene takes place in the castle when he falsely enlists the aid of his Son's Boyfriend. He then leads him over to the window where he throws him out of it to his death. His fairy son then pulls a knife on him to which he smashes him in the face with his gauntlet and then proceeds to, as my brother says, "kick the fag out of him." producing one of the most hilarious sounds ever piped through a speaker. For ruling the screen with an iron boot Mr McGoohan is the winner of a Fuckstick award in the field of Violence.

Clancy Brown

2005-12-02T21:44:00.000-04:00

Clancy Brown - The Shawshank Redemption
Lifetime Achievement

Clancy Brown's epic performance as Captain Byron Hadley in The Shawshank Redemption transformed the way we think about profanity and violence in movies. From his savage beating of the Chubby Fat Ass, to his crippling of the Sister Boggs, to his seemingly endless array of classic profanity such as "I don't need no wife killin banker to tell me where the Bear shit in the fuckwheat!" Brown's performance elevated an already great film and made it a Fuckstick classic. For his efforts and inspiration Mr Brown is awarded the first and currently only Lifetime Achievement Fuckstick award.

Welcome to the Fuckstick Awards

2005-12-01T21:30:00.000-04:00

Welcome to the Fuckstick Awards.